We broke up months ago…I just haven’t told him yet

What’s the ‘date them ’til you hate them’ TikTok trend all about?(Picture: Getty Images)

Whether you’re single, in a committed relationship or considering a break-up, social media is full of dating advice these days.

While there are some genuinely helpful nuggets of information out there, there’s equally plenty that isn’t quite so convincing. We’re looking at you, orange peel theory.

Now, there’s another dating trend on the block – and it’s called the ‘date them ‘til you hate them’ approach. Yes, Dear Reader, it’s just as toxic as it sounds.

It was first coined by creator @themegneil in 2023, but it’s started doing the rounds again, casually popping up in heavily stylised videos with choreographed dances that, arguably, gloss over the complex topic of relationships without so much as a second thought.

As Meg explains, she used this method to end her four-year relationship without feeling ‘totally heartbroken afterwards.’

‘I dated him until I hated him,’ she tells the camera while candidly doing her makeup, adding that it’s not always that ‘easy’ just to end a relationship.

‘Some people make it really hard for you to walk away, or maybe you’re really, really comfortable with them, [and] you’ve been with them for forever.’

In her view, the golden rule is to stop getting jealous. There’s no point in starting arguments anymore: what she advises instead is to ‘sit back, let them disrespect you’ and repeat ‘until you no longer want to associate with them.’

‘The feelings that you have for this person are going to start going away because they’re disrespecting you over and over again,’ she adds, arguing that without jealousy, they’re simply ‘not getting a reaction out of you.’

‘You’re going to break your own heart a million times by staying around and watching this, but while it’s happening, you’re healing. You’re already going through the breakup.’

Eventually, you’re going to hate everything about them – and at this point, things will come to a boiling point, leading to the break-up you wanted all along. You’ll even leave them wondering how you were able to walk away so ‘gracefully.’

A relationship expert says it’s ‘a form of neglect’ (Picture: Getty Images)

There were plenty in the comments who agreed with the sentiment behind it, as @hahwaitwhat wrote,’ while @michelletgk hailed it as ‘solid advice.’

@baileestodghill tried it out for herself, admitting: ‘I did this and left with a smile on my face. Other than hurting, I felt relieved,’ and @jjenniferlle said she’s ‘literally lived by this since my first silly bf at 14.’

Others weren’t quite so convinced, as @miiikuku warned: ‘Wouldn’t recommend ever! Break things off as soon as you can.’

‘A form of neglect’

So, what’s the truth? As dating expert Claire Renier tells Metro, not only is the ‘date them ‘til you hate them’ approach ‘incredibly toxic,’ but it also won’t solve either your romantic or your personal problems.

‘It’s a form of neglect, both to your partner and to yourself. Where your partner is concerned, not putting your full effort into the relationship or bringing up issues in a mature way is not only unfair to them, but it puts them in a difficult position within the relationship,’ Claire, from dating app happn, explains.

‘It’s also a form of neglecting yourself, as you’re preventing yourself from being happy in the long run.’

In Claire’s opinion, it effectively equates to ‘emotional avoidance,’ serving as a way to ‘avoid the pain of uncomfortable conversations and a breakup in the short term,’ but allowing ‘bitterness and resentment’ to grow.

‘Instead of fostering positive change in your life, the trend normalises emotional immaturity and suggests that the only way to escape a situation is through passive-aggressive behaviour,’ she adds.

‘It’s also worth noting that resentment is a fairly unhealthy emotion. While it’s healthy to express your emotions as and when they arise, it’s unhealthy to hold onto a prolonged state of resentment or other negative emotions.

‘Beyond purely making yourself miserable in the short-term, doing this can also make it harder to form healthy, authentic and long-lasting happy relationships in the future.’

Why might people feel they have to resort to this?

There’ll always be an underlying reason for this type of behaviour – and in Claire’s view, one of them might be mixed feelings on whether a break-up is the right decision.

She notes: ‘A break-up is a big decision, and it can be easy to worry if this is the wrong choice. With this in mind, it’s easy to feel that delaying it can be a simpler solution, particularly until it becomes the obvious option.’

Others might feel that this trend resonates because of a ‘fear of conflict.’ That said, effectively refusing to communicate with someone as an alternative equally isn’t acceptable behaviour – and you could risk coming off as ‘the bad guy’ anyhow.

‘Direct and honest conversations can often be scary – it may be the case that people just don’t know how to have them, or are scared that they’ll become the villain,’ Claire adds.

‘It’s natural to be apprehensive about this, but having these conversations is a crucial part of both you and your partner’s continued growth – and is a fundamental part of any relationship.’

What’s the alternative?

Dating someone until you literally hate them is never going to be a healthy way of dealing with a relationship you’re not sure you want to be in – and, naturally, Claire has a few more constructive options up her sleeve.

‘Take a step back and honestly reflect on your feelings and the state of the relationship. By realising that you’re unhappy and the relationship isn’t working at present, you can think about the next steps for you,’ she suggests.

‘Chat to your partner about how you’re feeling. By opening up an opportunity for calm and honest communication, you can express your feelings and try to work through any issues.’

Lastly, it’s critical that you accept that having these types of conversations may be difficult – and likely painful. But as Claire concludes, communicating is a ‘healthy part of the process’ as well as a ‘sign of respect for the time you have shared together.’

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