2 days ago
7 
Standing in the playground, with the sun beating down on me, I was suddenly gripped by panic.
My daughter and I were at her new school, so she could do a settling-in session and meet her year group.
She milled around in the playground for a couple of minutes before her Reception teacher came to collect the class and then dutifully trotted inside, without so much as a backwards glance.
True, it was only a couple of hours until Minna would see me again, but my four-year-old seemed so at ease, excited and relaxed among her new classmates that I was overwhelmed with pride.
And then worry washed over me. Without the distraction of my daughter, it was my turn to make friends.
You only have to watch an episode of Motherland to learn that school gate encounters can shape your entire social circle for years to come.
Fail to put in the effort and your little one might miss out on play dates. But come across as overbearing or pushy, and you’ll have the other mums and dads avoiding ‘Minna’s mum’ for the foreseeable future. Or so I thought.
I felt it was crucial not to mess it up and make Minna a social pariah by association. I even had an old-school, standing up in assembly naked, nightmare about it one night!
Clinical psychologist Jo Mueller, who co-runs the Neurodivergent Parent Space, says concerns about making ‘parent friends’ are common, as ‘starting school can feel like an exercise in fitting in’. It can trigger feelings of anxiety or rejection sensitivity, but it can be helpful to try and maintain some perspective.
‘The chaotic milieu at the gates just isn’t the best place to make authentic connections for many parents – especially at first – and there will be other opportunities,’ she tells Metro. ‘Don’t force it, be yourself.’
With this advice in mind, I took a deep breath, told myself to get a grip, and forced myself to turn to another parent and strike up a conversation. And you know what? I needn’t have worried.
The conversation flowed, the parent was lovely and friendly. And better yet, we’ve since attended a couple of play dates before term has even started.
How to make friends with other parents when your child starts school
I have one of the more organised mums to thank for my recent success. She set up a class WhatsApp group and organised some group meets, and after seeing Minna hit it off with two children in particular, I swapped numbers with their mums and tentatively arranged one-to-one play dates.
Still, it’s early days for me, and I can’t imagine how difficult this transition must be if you’re a working parent unable to natter outside of the classroom or attend as many social events. So, I asked other parents who’ve been there, done that, for their tips.
Journalist Mel Fallowfield, mum of two boys aged 18 and 15, advises not to ‘jump in at once’ and now counts the mothers of her children’s best friends among her own closest friends.
‘It grew organically, through the boys wanting play dates with each other and we happened to get on, as at the beginning parents are always involved,’ she tells me. ‘Both will be lifelong friends.’
She advises parents to ‘sit back and wait’ for friendships to materialise, which will be welcome news to those who have to dash off to work at 9am. That doesn’t mean checking out completely though.
‘Make sure you respond to emails and get invited to the class Whatsapp group but honestly avoid the PTA or anything like that like the plague, just be a passenger,’ says Mel. ‘PTA is a nightmare unless you’ve got literally nothing else to do.’
Meanwhile mum of two Victoria Bennion, who hosts the Autism Mums Podcast, says the key to finding your tribe is looking for parents who might be in a similar situation to you.
‘If starting school feels hard for your child, it’s easy to believe you’re alone. You’re not,’ says Victoria, whose children are 11 and 14.
‘Look out for the parents walking in a little later. Often they’re navigating the same battles. Connect with them. Finding even one understanding ally at the school gate can make all the difference.’
During initial interactions, Mel recommends playing it safe with your topics of conversation.
‘Don’t say anything contentious, avoid politics or anything like that, all you know that you’ve got in common is kids at the same school, so wait to find out anything beyond that,’ she says. ‘Never slag off other mothers – be Switzerland (neutral!)’
That said, you won’t make lasting connections by trying to be someone you’re not. Psychologist Jo reminds me that ‘it’s actually ok for you and your child to be yourselves’.
‘Write your most helpful mantras on a post-it or on your phone’s wallpaper and say them out loud to yourself – such as “it’s ok to be who I am”. This can help model self-acceptance to your child, too,’ she says.
She also recommends I try ‘energy accounting’ to make sure play dates and other social situations stay enjoyable.
‘This means becoming more aware of what drains you and what recharges you, and how much energy you have to spend each day without becoming overwhelmed,’ she says.
‘It’s ok to set boundaries around what is manageable for play dates in terms of frequency, type and who with. Again, this is great modelling to your child about understanding and meeting yours – and their needs.’
Anticipatory nerves have been getting to both of us, but finally, Minna starts school this week.
I will dress her smartly, brush her hair, give her her school bag and wave her off, hoping she feels confident and at ease as she takes the first step on the long road of education ahead of her.
And I will look round the playground, try to catch a friendly parent’s eye and smile, knowing that in that moment, we are all equal in simply wanting the best for our child.
The rest, as they say, will follow – and I have to buckle up and enjoy the ride.
Bengali (Bangladesh) · 
English (United States) ·