Navy Recruitment Soars After Going Back To Blowing Up Pirates

U.S. — Recruitment for the United States Navy has soared overnight after going back to its roots of blowing up pirates. Once a fearsome force against armed hostile vessels attempting to reach American shores, the Navy had spent the last few decades focusing on monkeypox. That all changed overnight, when the Navy annihilated a vessel of armed men attempting to land in America while sailing under no country's flag. "Oh man, sign me up," said local teenager Braden Daniels after hearing the Navy was back to bombing pirates. "That looks friggin' sweet. I had no idea killing pirates was an...