Nation’s Murderers Excited To Learn Killing Legal If You Say You Were Sad

U.S. — Millions of murderers across the country expressed overwhelming optimism today following reports that killing someone is effectively legal, provided the perpetrator informs authorities they were sad. According to legal experts, centuries of criminal precedent had been rendered obsolete by the simple, groundbreaking defense of "feeling a little overwhelmed." "For years, we operated under the outdated assumption that taking a human life required accountability," defense attorney Arnold Carter explained. "We now understand that as long as you mention feeling sad beforehand, the entire legal system immediately pivots to asking if you've been getting enough self-care." Hitman Frank Rizzoli noted...