My ex-boyfriends were awful – but at least they could make me orgasm

Is this a deal breaker? (Picture: Getty/Metro)

Have you ever found yourself lying awake at night, questioning your entire relationship, while your lover sleeps soundly next to you?

This week’s reader is feeling sexually unsatisfied, having never been brought to orgasm by her boyfriend.

Not wanting to damage his ego and open up about her desires, she’s now wondering if they even have a future together.

But could there be a way to save an otherwise perfect partnership?

Keep reading to hear Laura’s advice below. But before you go, check out last week’s dilemma, from a concerned daughter who’s having to fend off inappropriate advances from her mum’s new boyfriend.

The problem…

My boyfriend is such a sweetie that I feel awful saying anything bad about him, but this problem has gone on for so long, I feel the time has come to sort it out.

Basically, we’ve been together just over two years and in that time, he has never brought me to orgasm. Not even once. Because I’m so good at pretending, he has no idea there’s anything wrong and thinks we have a great sex life.

I know it would really hurt him if I told him the truth — that I just lay there wanting more.

I know from talking to friends that some people can have three or four climaxes in succession, whereas I’d be grateful to have just one. Don’t get me wrong, I do have orgasms — just not ones that he gives me.

I’ve tried to bring up the subject by pretending to talk our issue using fictional about other people, but he never gets the hint and says how lucky we are not to have any problems in that area.

I’ve had previous boyfriends who were much more satisfying sexual partners, but they weren’t nearly such nice people. I’ve tried to tell myself that I’m lucky to have him, but the sex issue is really making me have doubts about our future.

The thought of spending the rest of my life frustrated like this, is really depressing. I know I need to be more direct and honest, but I’m worried it could be really damaging to his ego if I say anything.

The advice

Your boyfriend isn’t a mind reader, and if you pretend to climax every time, it’s little wonder the poor guy has no clue that there’s anything amiss.

You need to take responsibility for your own sexual responses and tell him what turns you on and what doesn’t. If you move his hands to where you want them to be, it can all be part of the act of lovemaking and will not seem like a big deal.

Remember as well that he may have his own opinion about your sex life that he’s not sharing with you. Perhaps it’s simply an unfortunate choice of words, but you do say you ’just lay there’. Your partner might think you’re leaving it all up to him, which he may not find wildly exciting either.

Everyone likes variety, so try different things that make sex a better experience for both of you. Different places, different positions – the only rule is that you should both enjoy it.

Only a minority of women are brought to orgasm by intercourse alone and as you know, there are other ways of climaxing. It’s time to bring this into your lovemaking.

As you rightly say, just being great in bed doesn’t make you a nice human being. A relationship has many facets, and if you’ve been together for two years, you must be happy in other ways.

If you really can’t sort it out between the two of you, a sex therapist might be able to help.

Laura is a counsellor and columnist.

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