My date took a secret photo of me – I found it online

I was confronted with a photo of myself (Picture: Getty Images)

One morning in 2019, I was scrolling through the anonymous online website 4chan, on a mission to see if I was right about a man I was dating.

It didn’t take me long to find the proof I was looking for. 

I was confronted with a photo of myself. 

It was nothing special – I was captured nonchalantly sitting on my bedroom chair, in my pyjamas, mid-conversation – but I didn’t know it had been taken, and I had not consented for it to be uploaded to 4chan.   

I did, however, know exactly who had taken it. I felt sick.  

I had met Jonas* on Hinge a few months after breaking up with my fiancé, Dylan*. The break-up was unexpected for him, but not me; for years, Dylan had told me he loved me while putting me down for the way my body looked. I couldn’t take any more of his emotional abuse so I walked away.

The date was probably the most predictable I’d ever been on (Picture: Getty Images)

The months following the break-up were hard as I was getting used to being alone. After around five months, I convinced myself to give dating apps a go. I wasn’t sure I was ready, but I was missing an emotional and intimate connection.  

Like Dylan, Jonas was sweet at first. He sent me cute messages saying he really wanted to take me on a date that I ‘wouldn’t forget’. I needed to be shown love, so I took him up on the offer.  

Contrary to what Jonas said, the date was probably the most predictable I’d ever been on. We went to a pub, and then he came back to mine to have sex. 

During the date, we had talked about our interests. I was really into creating greeting cards at the time and loved drawing, while he told me he was ‘very online’.

When he asked to see me again, I felt too polite to turn him down

He mentioned using message boards but a lot of what he said went over my head, partly because I didn’t understand some of the terminology, but also because I wasn’t paying much attention.  

The sex was… fine. Like most men I have dated, he concentrated on his own pleasure while just about recognising mine. When he asked to see me again, I felt too polite to turn him down. After all, he seemed like a nice guy – albeit boring.  

He came to my flat the next weekend and met my flatmate, who asked what he did. He mentioned message boards again, and when she mockingly asked what kind of message boards, he told her she was ‘a hole’, while chuckling. 

I suggested we go out for dinner and he declared he would pay (Picture: Getty Images)

I stopped in my tracks. ‘A hole?’ I asked him.

He kept laughing. ‘It’s just a silly joke between me and my friends,’ he said. The punchline, he explained, was that women are just ‘a hole’ for sex – nothing more, nothing less. 

Of course, it’s a demeaning phrase. My flatmate gave me a look and left the room, leaving an air of uneasiness behind her. I felt there was still something nice about Jonas, though, so I ignored it.

I suggested we go out for dinner and he declared he would pay, as if awaiting a round of applause. 

The meal went fairly well, until the bill came. ‘I’m happy to split it’, I said, reaching for my bag.  

‘What did you say?’ he spat, like I’d said the most disgusting thing he’d ever heard. ‘I said I would pay. I will pay. I have the money, don’t you think I have money?’  

I was worried Jonas would come to my flat, since he knew where I lived (Picture: Getty Images)

He started off angry but by the end of the sentence he was laughing. I wasn’t going to upset him, though – I was scared he could become violent.

I didn’t want to give him an indication that my feelings had changed in case my fears materialised, so we went back to mine and had more mediocre sex. 

During our night together, he talked more and I listened carefully. I wanted to find out about these message boards. When he mentioned an interest in trying ‘bone smashing’ – a technique where men break the bones on their face to promote a more masculine regrowth, I realised I was onto something. 

I knew about incels, about how the online community stoked the fire of these privileged men – and I was starting to worry that I had just slept with one. The thought terrified me. 

As soon as he left the next morning, I looked for incel message boards and it didn’t take long to come across 4chan. I had heard of it before, but knew very little about it.

I quickly grasped that it was an anonymous website, used often by men aged 18-25, and lived up to its reputation for controversial content and lack of moderation.

I looked for the names and words Jonas had used. He’d even mentioned a ‘chain’ he wrote on, and that’s when I found the photo of me from our first date. 

Next to it, he’d written how much he hated me, calling me a bitch.  

I couldn’t believe what I was reading. I took screenshots and messaged them to Jonas.   

‘I’m going to block you now’, I added – after which I could see he had read my messages. 

I told my flatmate everything. She said she’d had a bad feeling about him and promised to vet my dates from then on.  

For a while, I was worried Jonas would come to my flat, since he knew where I lived and he clearly hated women, but I never saw him again.   

Luckily it didn’t scar me for life – but it took me a long time to trust someone again. One thing I have learned is never to overlook a red flag. 

*Names have been changed 

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