44 minutes ago
3 
‘What about this?’ asked my date, holding out his phone to show me a photo.
I couldn’t believe what I was seeing.
We were in Nando’s, talking about our proudest accomplishments – and my date, Kyle, decided to show me one of his.
Other people probably would’ve been disgusted by what he showed me – especially over dinner – and raced out of the door. But I was weirdly impressed.
I knew Kyle from Twitter, although neither he nor I remember who followed who first. I’d liked a couple of his tweets before as he posted a lot of funny content, but we hadn’t spoken at all.
I decided to see if Kyle had Instagram and found out he played guitar. After watching a few videos, I followed and messaged him – yes, I slid into his DMs – to compliment him on his guitar-playing.
Initially, he thought I was a bot because I wasn’t that active online and we’d never spoken. Nevertheless, he still replied, firmly prepared to be scammed.
I, of course, was not a fake profile, and we hit it off immediately. We’d talk about anything from our favourite movies to sharing how many Jaffa Cakes we could fit into our mouths in one go.
I instantly knew from our conversations that Kyle was going to be the funniest and weirdest person (in the absolute best way) I was ever going to meet.
We decided that we’d meet up after work one night and go out for dinner at Nando’s – which, a decade ago, was the place to go for a first date.
I had been so excited all day, and it wasn’t until I was walking to meet Kyle that I started to get really nervous, my palms sweating profusely. All the other dates I’d been on were with people I knew from friends or work, so meeting someone from the internet felt like a big deal. I saw him from across the road and thought: ‘Thank God he’s as hot as he looks online.’
We were seated in a corner booth and despite Kyle’s protests, I went to the till to order with him. His hands were nervously shaking as he paid, and it made my heart melt.
After that, to get to know each other better, he asked me to share with him some of the achievements I was most proud of. I told him that I loved my job – I was a visual merchandiser at the time – and that I’d recently bought my first car after passing my driving test on the first try.
I returned the question and Kyle paused for a moment before saying, ‘My accomplishments aren’t nearly as impressive as yours.’ He must’ve then had a lightbulb moment as he pulled his phone out of his pocket, scrolled and then turned it to me, accompanied by the words, ‘What about this?’.
This man – who I had known for all of a couple of weeks – had shown me a photo of his poo.
The photo was of the toilet bowl with a poo so large, it honestly didn’t look like it would flush. He was evidently so proud that this monstrosity had vacated his body.
I was immensely thankful we were sat in the corner booth out of view from anyone else.
But instead of recoiling, I leaned in closer to give it a further inspection. ‘Wow, that is big,’ I said with a laugh, then joked, ‘Got any others?’.
Kyle’s eyes lit up and soon enough, I was getting a photo presentation of his daily bowel movements with running commentary. Far from being revolted – I was highly impressed that he was able to recall how each poo related to what he was doing that day.
I’ve never been one to shy away from talk about bodily functions and honestly didn’t think too much of this practical stranger showing me his poo.
The laughter didn’t stop after that, and we extended the night to have a few drinks at the local pub.
After the date – with Kyle’s phone firmly back in his pocket and the poo talk ceasing – we got a taxi. He dropped me off first, despite the taxi driver arguing with him that, based on our locations, he should be the first stop. I loved that he was determined to make sure his date got home safely.
I gushed to my sister the next morning about him, saying how funny and handsome and kind he was. She commented that I wouldn’t stop talking about him and that it was lovely to see me so happy.
We’ve now been together for over a decade. We’ve bought a house together, got a dog, got married, and Kyle still sometimes takes photos of his poo to show me.
Even on our wedding day, he told the tale during his speech: ‘With the fear of seeming inadequate looming large, I decided to pull out my secret weapon and showed Sarah a slideshow of the biggest poos I’d ever taken including the monster I’d created only a few hours earlier.’
The story made everyone laugh despite the horrified looks plastered on their faces. I was definitely judged that day for why I was so accepting of what happened – and everyone still thinks we’re mad (not to mention, obsessed with poo) whenever they hear the story.
But why shouldn’t you be unapologetically yourself on a first date and hope you find someone just as weird as you?
Do you have a story you’d like to share? Get in touch by emailing izzie.price@metro.co.uk.
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Bengali (Bangladesh) · 
English (United States) ·