I don’t fancy my wife anymore — but I’m terrified of divorce

What would you do if you were in this position? (Picture: Getty/ Metro)

Almost half of marriages in the UK end in divorce – but that doesn’t make them any less scary.

This week’s reader has been living a double life for almost a year – juggling a ‘much younger girl’ from work and a wife who he describes as ‘a brilliant homemaker.’

His mistress is demanding he make a decision, but he can’t seem to bring himself to confess and officially file for divorce.

From the sounds of it, he wants to have his cake and eat it too.

Keep reading to hear Laura’s advice but, before you go, check out last week’s problem, from someone whose ‘crazy holiday’ with her future sister-in-law is about to come back to haunt her.

The problem…

No doubt I’m not the first person to write to you with this problem so I’m sorry for not being very original. I feel like I know what you’re going to say, but I want to hear it anyway.

I’m 54, married, with two adult kids who have left home. My wife is still as lovely as the day we met, and I have nothing but praise for her. She’s a brilliant homemaker who has supported me for more than 30 years, and she’s witty, clever and attractive.

The trouble is, I just don’t fancy her and we haven’t had sex for years. She’s become like a sister to me, and although I’ve tried my best, she just doesn’t do it for me any more.

Enter a much younger girl at work – just a bit older than my daughter, to be honest. What started as an innocent bit of fun and flirting eventually became much more and we’ve now been having an affair for over eight months.

My wife is busy most evenings with her book club, running club, and few other clubs I can’t remember, and when I go out, she doesn’t even notice.

I’m crazy about my lover but at the same time feel like I’m being a stupid old man getting involved with someone so young. She insists the age gap doesn’t matter and wants me to leave my wife.

I’m really torn about what to do because I’m terrified of divorce, but I don’t want to lose my girlfriend either.

The advice

Your lover may be young and pretty, and having an affair with her is doubtless an amazing boost to your ego. Maybe that’s something you needed, because it doesn’t sound like your wife pays much attention to you; and then there’s the great sex, which you’re also missing at home.

However, in my experience, the thrill might wear off if you and your girlfriend were together all the time. You’ll always be at different stages in life and I’ve received too many letters from men wishing they’d never left home, and asking how to repair the marriage they threw away.

You need to think about what you’d lose if you left your wife. Not just a whole way of life that you’ve built up over many years, but the respect of your children who will doubtless side (at least initially) with their mum. Then there are the financial implications and all the hassle that goes with losing your house and so on.

Look – marriages end, and people have happy lives with age gap partners, I get that. But leaving the life you have now is a huge decision, and you must ask yourself whether you love this girl enough to make that leap.

You don’t sound sure.

At the very least, try couples counselling to see whether you and your wife can get back on track. You’re both equally responsible for the situation you’re in now, and if she truly understood the perilous state of her marriage, she might do whatever she could to save it.

If that fails and you do end up leaving home, at least you’ll know you’ve tried.

Laura is a counsellor and columnist.

Got a sex and dating dilemma? To get expert advice, send your problem to [email protected].

Do you have a story to share?

Get in touch by emailing [email protected].

Comments Add as preferred source