Banter is the last thing I want from a coffee machine. Yet here we are | Adrian Chiles

I don’t need full-colour pictures of cappuccinos and definitely not congratulatory messages with my favourite cup. Give me terse clarity, please

I want to take a sledgehammer to my new coffee machine. It works very well. No complaints there. It’s just that I can’t bear the way it addresses me, or the way it refers to itself.

I had no such bother with my old machine, which was made by the same company. You put the beans in somewhere, selected what you wanted – long, short, strong, weak etc – pressed the button and Bob was your uncle. A tiny screen indicated your selections and how the process was progressing. Every now and then it issued a command such as “empty grounds” or “fill tank”. Clear, if terse. But that’s how I liked it. That’s what I want from machines: terse clarity. This machine never let me down so, when the time came, I chose the new version by the same manufacturer. I’m good like that, loyal.