2 things get teens to listen to parental warnings more

New research shows that teens take warnings more to heart when parents model their values and show understanding.

Adolescence is a period when some teenagers begin experimenting with risky or rule-breaking behaviors such as skipping school, drinking, lying, or staying out past their curfew.

When parents find out, their natural response is often to warn their child: Continue with the behavior and you’ll incur stricter rules, less freedom, and the loss of privileges.

On the surface, this response seems a reasonable attempt to deter further misbehaving. But how do teens actually experience these warnings—and why do some comply while others become even more defiant?

A team of US and Israeli researchers—among them University of Rochester psychologist Judith Smetana—set out to find answers.

The resulting study in the Journal of Youth and Adolescence concludes that the way teenagers receive their parents’ warnings depends less on the message itself and more on whether they see their parents as genuinely living up their own purported values.

If parents model their values consistently in everyday life and appear satisfied and vital while acting on their values, their warnings are more likely to be perceived by their teenagers as caring guidance. If not, teens often experience the warnings as an attempt to control them, which can spark defiance.

But the researchers also discovered that while authentic parental values reduced defiance, they did not, by themselves, lead teens to stop their risky behaviors. The warnings proved most effective when parents took the time to understand their teens’ perspectives.

“Parents really have to ‘walk the walk’ and act on their values if they want their teens to behave responsibly,” says Smetana, an expert on adolescent-parent relationships.

Motivation science

The study, Smetana points out, builds directly on a famous construct—the highly influential, evidence-based framework for motivation, called self-determination theory (SDT), which was formulated in the 1970s and 1980s by Rochester psychologists Edward Deci and Richard Ryan.

According to SDT, people have three basic, intrinsic psychological needs:

Autonomy—the need to feel free from control so one can realize one’s authentic preferences Competence—the need to feel capable Relatedness—the need to feel connected and respected by others

When parenting actively supports these needs, adolescents feel motivated and understood. But when parents’ behaviors hinder these needs—what Deci and Ryan call “need thwarting” (where a person’s basic psychological needs for autonomy, competence, and relatedness are actively undermined)—teens may feel pressured, powerless, or disconnected, which can trigger resistance and rebellion.

“The idea of ‘need thwarting’ leading to defiance is drawn directly from self-determination theory, as is the very important notion of autonomy-supportive parenting, which is widely used in studies of parenting,” says Smetana.

Modeling values

Smetana and her team focused specifically on one parental factor called “inherent value demonstration” that can influence how warnings are received. For example, a parent who stresses the importance of kindness, volunteers regularly, and treats others respectfully—and appears satisfied and energetic while doing so—would be seen as high in value demonstration. In contrast, parents whose actions don’t match their words would be perceived as low in value demonstration.

The team surveyed 105 Israeli adolescents, average age 15, who had engaged in at least one problem behavior in the previous month. Each teen reported the most serious behavior their parents had discovered and then rated how their parents reacted—whether through warnings or by trying to understand their child’s perspective.

The teens also shared how these reactions made them feel: Did they experience the reactions as supportive or as controlling? Did they feel motivated to stop, or did they feel defiant? Finally, they rated how much their parents generally demonstrated their values in daily life.

The findings were clear: When parents were perceived as low in value demonstration, their teens were much more likely to experience their warnings as “need thwarting.” But when parents were perceived as high in value demonstration, their warnings were more likely to be seen as protective and the teens experienced the warnings as “need supporting.” Teenagers in these families were less defiant and felt more supported, even if the warnings included unpleasant consequences, such as the loss of privileges.

Stopping risky behaviors

The researchers discovered that while authentic parental values reduced defiance, they did not, by themselves, lead teens to stop their risky behaviors.

“We were surprised to learn that even children who perceived their parents as demonstrating their values in their everyday behavior experienced their parents’ warnings as frustrating and insensitive to their basic psychological needs,” says lead coauthor Avi Assor at Israel-based Ben-Gurion University of the Negev.

“We thought that because parents’ warnings referred to potentially harmful problem behaviors, children who appreciate their parents as good models of virtuous behavior may not experience these warnings as insensitive to their needs.”

Instead, the team found that the only parenting reaction linked to actually stopping the problem behavior was “perspective taking”—when parents tried to understand their child’s feelings and reasons. This empathic approach seemed to prompt reflection, making it more likely that teens reconsidered and stopped their risky actions.

In short: Putting yourself in your teenager’s shoes may be your best bet in trying to keep your child safe.

Source: University of Rochester

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